


Mystery Girl (KunikiDazai one-shot)

by eecmidford



Category: Bungo Stray Dogs, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: M/M, bsd, kunikazai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 14:05:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7804708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eecmidford/pseuds/eecmidford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The members of the Armed Detective Agency find a poem, written by Kunikida, that seems to be about a girl he has his eye on. Who is she? Can they crack the case?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mystery Girl (KunikiDazai one-shot)

Dazai slammed through the door with a huff. "Well, that was a waste of time."

"I take it you didn't like the movie?" said Atsushi.

"Why would they call it 'Suicide Squad' if it's not going to be about people committing suicide?!" Dazai cried. "How disappointing."

"This might cheer you up," Ranpo said, tossing him a sheet of notebook paper. "Kunikida-san's got a crush."

"Huh?" He looked down at Kunikida's slanted handwriting. "A poem?"

Your hair is as soft as the breast of a bird.   
Your voice is as warm as a fire.   
Your eyes are like beacons of light in the dark.   
No wonder it's you I admire.

Dazai's face lit up. "Kunikida-san wrote this? About a girl?! Oh, boy, is he gonna get it!"

"Don't be too hard on him, Dazai-san," Atsushi said. "He's probably very sensitive about it."

"After all the times he's punished me for flirting with women, and here he is writing cheesy love poems on the job!" Dazai said. "Oh, I'd give anything to know who this mystery woman is!"

"Come to think of it, does anyone here actually know Kunikida-san's type?" asked Kenji.

"Huh. You're right, I don't believe he's ever shown any interest in a woman. At least, not in front of us," Atsushi said.

Ranpo snickered.

"What was that, Ranpo-san?" said Dazai, bounding over to peer into his smiling face. "You know something about this, don't you? You and your Ultra Deduction know who Kunikida-san likes!"

"I wonder if it's Yosano," said Kenji.

Atsushi shrugged. "I suppose it's a possibility."

Dazai struck a dramatic pose. "Oh, Kunikida-senpai, I luuuurve you!" he mimicked in a wavering falsetto. "Get down on my examination table so we can make love together!" He clutched at his heart and writhed on Ranpo's desk.

A sudden chill came over the room, and everyone slowly looked up to see Kunikida himself filling the doorway. He picked up the poem from Dazai's desk, fuming.

"Get. Back. To. Work," he growled, taking Dazai by the neck and throwing him against the wall.

"Anyone else feel like disrupting the office with trivial matters?" he yelled. Atsushi and the others sweated nervously as Dazai wailed in pain.

"Um...Kunikida-san, we're not judging you," Kenji said after a long pause. "Everyone experiences their first crush at some point."

There was an eternity of awkward silence.

• • •

Later that night, Kunikida slouched over his notebook, furiously writing his plans for tomorrow. His daily schedule by now was practically a part of him, so writing gave him a perfect opportunity to vent his anger at Dazai. He could pretend the paper was that idiot's face, and the pen was a weapon with which he could finally get some real revenge for the many humiliations he'd suffered at the hands of his coworker. So caught up in his fury, Kunikida didn't notice Ranpo until he was sitting beside him, beaming that irritating know-it-all smile of his.

"So what's her name?" Ranpo asked.

"Who?"

"The girl the poem is about."

"You obviously already know. Why is everyone so hellbent on torturing me today?!" Kunikida hurled his pen against the wall in frustration.

"I want to hear it from your lips," Ranpo smiled.

"Fine. Her name's Daz...um, Danielle."

"Danielle?"

"Danielle."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"You know what?"

"What?!"

"I don't think Danielle is really a girl. In fact, I don't think her name is Danielle at all."

"What are you getting at, you idiot?!"

"So do you love her? Would you commit suicide with her?"

"That's it. OUT!" With a mighty kick, Kunikida sent his colleague flying out the office door.

Ranpo scrambled to his feet. "I knew it," he said with a satisfied smirk, and loped off into the city like Cupid after a successful day of work.

(I don't own Bungo Stray Dogs or any characters mentioned.)


End file.
